Dear Junior,

Shhh… can you hear it? The wind is howling like a banshee as 25-30 mile-an-hour winds roar across the northern plains. Like ten thousand anguished souls winter gusts whistle and moan and thrash about the city. Scooping up grains of snow it hurls them against our house and sends blinding bursts of snow across area roadways, “white fog” an area meteorologist once called it. Can you hear the anguish in those bursts as you slumber and develop secure in your mother’s womb? Those are the winds of change that will usher in a new weather system as an opposing front pushes in from the south. All across this great planet the winds of change howl and rage.

Earlier today I was channel surfing through our expansive four channel selection, that’s right Junior no cable or HDTV at Mem and Pep’s. Suddenly I was drawn into a segment of Oprah Winfrey’s talk show and found myself wincing and desperate to thrust myself into the future, find my teenage grandchild and wrap my arms securely about you. Oprah’s show was on teenage suicides, those that had failed, and the lives left in the wake of such a heartrending act. One guest had tried to end his life at fifteen by taking a shotgun to his head. He missed or miscalculated the tenacity at which humans can cling to even the thinnest fabric of life. The result of this attempt blew the boys face off but left him alive. He was blind in both eyes, his nose looked like a pig’s snout, and even after almost eighty surgeries his cheeks were misshapen and his reconstructed lower jaw barely worked. As this eighteen-year-old boy retold the events his voice resembled a stroke victim since it was so muted and distorted by a partial tongue and damaged upper palate. The other guest I saw was a seventeen-year-old girl, or what was left of her after she tried to discontinue her anguished life by laying her body on a train track as a 60 car freight train rumbled toward her. She rolled herself onto the set and refused assistance as she hoisted her torso and the stubs of her once long and shapely legs onto Oprah’s couch. Both of these guests represented only a fragment of the growing population of adolescents who have attempted or succeeded at committing suicide.

There are many demons in this world adults try to eradicate or at least shelter loved ones and future generations from contact with. Numerous childhood diseases now pose little threat when vaccinated against. Many forms of cancer that once represented a death sentence can now be treated by modern medicine. Stricter law enforcement and reporting laws attempt to track sexual predators and child molesters. Improvements in all these areas and others will continue to be made as we seek to make a safer, healthier, and even happier world for future generations. Yet there is one aspect of life that we cannot shield loved ones for, a dark and murky side of life that is so intertwined with our existence that it will not be denied. These demons reside in the darker side of our emotional landscape, the ying to the yang of joy, gladness and even euphoria. Grief, loneliness, anguish have many facets and levels of intensity to deny their existence is to walk through life backwards, constantly having to look over one’s shoulder just to move forward.

I am not advocating life is brimming with misery and despair and we need brace ourselves for an onslaught of demons from the dark side. Life is an incredible, rich, roller-coaster adventure that never stops serving up surprises! This is no rosy, “life is all fun and games” outlook. As someone gifted with ADHD I have walked all too often in the minefield of despair.  If I could spare you, dear grandchild, a journey into this bleak realm I would. But alas these demons have too many faces, and can sneak up unannounced at the most inopportune time. It can be a cherished friend who may break your trust, steal a lover in an act of lust, or simply drift away as if those times of cherished comradeship never occurred. There will be love interests that never materialize and others that will sizzle and blaze with such intensity that in time the relationship may supernova and disintegrate. The demons of despair can be deeply personal as in unachieved goals, death of a loved one, or a feeling of abandonment. Or, as we are experiencing now in 2007-08, the demons of despair and anguish can be generated and felt by a mass population triggered by atrocities such as the recent assassination of Pakistani political leader and two-time Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto and the violence in Kenya caused by the “stealing” on the election by president Mwai Kibaki. Whether deeply personal or on a local, national, or world level these powerful, negative emotions can lead to violence, destruction, and on a personal level death by either suicide or neglect.

Though I am no psychologist, or psychiatrist (though I’ve seen some of both in my time) my personal ventures into this austere human landscape have taught me that it is critical NOT to face these demons alone. They are persuasive and often seek to separate us from reason and loved ones. It has been key for me to face and accept the situation, admit that this is a pretty sucky time and experience then force myself to do something, find someone to help me out of the abyss. Neuroscience suggests that for some humans, and perhaps other life forms, the brain may not be capable of creating enough of the proper chemicals, or natural drug if you wish, to bring the organism out of the brink. Grief and anguish can spiral into despair and depression when the brain fixates on not only the initial negative event but begins knitting together like one huge afghan of misery all the negative experiences it can muster. When drawn into depression a person often secludes herself/himself, withdraws from social interactions, and retreats from favorite pastimes and activities. Yet research suggests this is exactly what a person needs to get out of the pit of despair… talk with those who care about you, get involved with favorite activities, DO SOMETHING fun and pleasurable and more than anything make a conscious effort to want to get past feeling miserable. Sometimes this may be unattainable without medical aids.

Perhaps in my next letter I’ll tell you about my plunge into the well of despair and eventually faced suicide. But for now know that if you ever, ever, EVER need to speak to someone who cares and will listen know that I am here. If I am still drawing breath and my neural net is intact CALL ME no matter the time or day. It doesn’t matter if I’m in the middle of another attempt at scaling Mt Everest, have a gig at Carnegie Hall, am set to interview a world leader, or just sitting and enjoying a moment of solace call me, come to me, or I will come to you. No one has to or is meant to face these demons alone. You will have to fight your way through it, get past the sadness and trials of life, and discover that with enormous joy and enthusiasm for life come times of great sadness and indifference to the allure of a sometimes mundane existence. But you don’t have to travel those journeys alone. Remember that I will always love and care deeply about you, just as I have from Moment One.

Time to get on with life’s adventure, tally ho! and into the fray.

Until next time dear grandchild… be well, play hard, laugh often and know you are Loved.
Pep